Magsie

This was something I wrote a few weeks after I had miscarried. I read it every now and then to remind me what's important and what I had promised.

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My darling daughter,

How are things up there? I hope that you're well. It's only been a few weeks since God decided you were too awesome for human eyes and thought that you should stay up there.

Mommy's really trying to be strong without you, honey. Things aren't so easy. I know that you probably would pout at me when I tell you this but I still can't help but cry about you and over you a lot of the time. Daddy's trying to be strong too. I'm sure you know that Father's Day just passed. I took daddy to the mall and we got to see some big bikes. I'm sure you would have loved that too. You always were into what daddy was...

It doesn't get any easier, Magsie. You represented all that was best in me. Mommy can't seem to find those things in her now...but I'm trying very, very, very hard. You probably would have been tougher than I am. Probably more stubborn too.

Was mommy mean to you while you were here? Did mommy ever not feed you enough? Did I rest enough for you? I think about that a lot lately. There were so many things I was dying to tell you...to show you. We probably would have fought some too. Your dad would be caught in the middle, as always. We'd probably laugh at the faces he'd make.

Is it okay if mommy cries for a little bit longer? I've been hiding behind smiles all my life and that seemed to help but losing you broke something in me....I really, really love you, Magsie. I wish I could have gotten to see you even once but they all didn't think it was a good idea. I guess they're right..

Mommy doesn't recognize much of her life anymore, lol, you changed me that much in the 6 months we were together. It's tiring...telling everyone that I'm okay. It's tiring that I have to pretend that it's fine...when all I want to do is sleep and keep on sleeping. It's only then that I get to see you...but that's not good right? You'd want mommy to be out and about.

Don't worry, when I want to, mommy is good at convincing people that she's okay. It's so they won't worry about me so much. But you can keep a secret right? Just between us girls. :)

Maybe mom's heart will heal one day.

Give my love to your great-grandfather, your grandfather, aunts and uncles up there, if they're up there, that is.

All the love I possess,

Mommy

Fearless? Hardly.

Today, I did a lot of thinking. Actually, lately, it seems that thinking is all I do. I wanted to assure myself that I'm still on a track that I recognize or approve of.

A lot of things have changed with me. I noticed that I've become unhappy a lot. I've become a lot more irritable and I mostly blow up at B. I refuse to talk to him whenever I get upset and he patiently waits for me to calm down every time. A lot of the time I think to myself that I have every right in the world to be upset. But while in the midst of the selfish reverie, I notice that, that is exactly what I've become.

Selfish

I've lived my life for myself. I've done things as I deemed necessary or upon a whim. And I've continued to do so. I've always hated to having my freedom clipped or to not have choices. I realize that it's stupid of me really to want so much. I'm not saying it's bad or anything. It's never bad to want things. It's only when you continue to pine for things at the expense of yourself or others...that's when it becomes a problem.

I love B. I always have and I probably always will. There are so many things about him that annoy me from time to time. He's always honest about his priorities even though they may not be the best interest at the time. And it constantly annoyed me. How he'd be off in his happy little world comprised of bikes or games or both. I was always frustrated that it seemed that I was the one who had to deal with the nitty-gritty of life. What are our plans? Where will be 5 years from now?

I'd always say that I'm tired of everything. Of being responsible for everything and I get even crabbier at him. Then I realize that I am tired a lot of the time because I tried to tackle things solo. But a relationship isn't about doing things as one sees fit or proper. A relationship is a clash of ideals and ideas. Two people that have different thoughts and perspectives that despite it all, manage to get along and move forward. Sometimes it comes out all wrong but other times it comes out as one of the most wonderful things ever.

I really should stop shouldering everything by myself. That's why I have B with me. I told him a long time ago that even though there was a lot about him that may get on my nerves from time to time, it isn't my job to try and change him. That's up to him. It's just up to me to understand him and figure out if it's all worth it. If it isn't, cut your loses and get out. What's the point of the hassle if you don't even think its worth it?

Despite our differences, we've come a long way. 21 months of relationship, over 7 years of friendship between us.

We really can't make people change. But it is a wonderful thing if those people change little nuances about themselves to better the situation or the relationship because you're worth it.

I really don't know where the future leads for myself and for him. We will always have arguments but it will always be overshadowed by the laughter and the abject stupidity that he and I share.

It is terrifying to share so much of myself to another person but what's life without a little fear?

I love you, B. Happy 21st month.