So anyway, I got to thinking as I was browsing around for my boyfriend's birthday gift. How far have I come? Have I managed to settle emotions within me? I am VERY happy. Each day is just something infinitely precious and new. I have honestly never ever been this happy. It's pretty scary at times. Of course tears are always just seem to be a few millimeters away from the surface of my eyes whether it be due to joy or sadness, but it's just an amazing roller coaster ride.
This is what I always thought love should be like. It should be crazy, with it's ups and down (but mostly ups!). Of course with the high comes the lows. I am happy to say though, that the lows have nothing to do with my current relationship.
Annoyingly, it seems to stem from this rage I have inside me. Repressed, I think. I'm sure that enough time has passed for me be able to unzip my trap.
-------
My not dear ex,
How you been? I'm pretty sure that someday you'll come across this because I know you. Letting go of grudges has never been your strong point. Thank you. We did have good times, didn't we? Ride outs (just the experience of it), Parties (you're surrounded by interesting people), and others.
So basically what this thing is leading to is that I want you to know that I shall be irrevocably scarred by what you have done to me. I truly hate the person that I became when I was with you. The lies that I had to tell people just to salvage your pride, the details that I had to keep to myself so you won't go cry yourself into a corner, constantly having to pinch pennies and allot 80% of my paycheck for you and your needs. All of those things? Those will always stay with me in the back of my mind.
I would like to think that I'll be getting past that little by little but I know myself well enough to know that they'll never truly leave me. I will always remember how you never once stood up for me when it came to the battering ram that was your psychotic ex and remained silent when she was trashing my reputation. I will always remember when we suspected that I was pregnant what you said was: "Isn't there something you can do about it?". I will always remember how scared I was whenever you'd push me or twist my arm or force me to look at you. I will always remember how terrified I was when you chased me down to my apartment door and forced yourself inside even when I told you I didn't want you there. I will always remember how you always said you didn't know how to deal damage. Well I'm telling you: you have every ammunition needed to hurt. You just refuse to take responsibility. That's been pretty much the root of it all, isn't it?
I did learn a lot from you too. I learned to just keep laughing at the bad things even if laughing wasn't appropriate anymore. I learned to run away from things that hurt or things that were difficult. I learned that wanting things for myself was a crime.
I really don't understand it. You seemed like such a nice guy. I know that you are a nice guy. It's just that I should have seen you for what you are at the very beginning: a kid. A big kid with his pouts and tantrums and cry spells.
I did try to make it work. And as you can see, I failed. But you said you were happy now right? Good for you! I do hope that you're happy. I really, honestly, truly do. I just hope that the next one that comes your way will be treated with more finesse than how I was treated.
Oh, I will forever be grateful for my daughter. Even if it was just with me for 6 months.
One day I hope that rage and the trauma within me will subside. I hope that I'll be able to fully let go of the things that I'm sure you don't even lose a wink of sleep about. Even if it seems a bit weird, I'd like to thank you for the bad memories. They ingrained into me that the little things should be taken with joy. Thank you for showing me how bad it gets so now I can appreciate how amazing my life is (despite the male bovine excrement).
Once yours,
-me
-------
That felt nice. Really nice. Sana magtuloy-tuloy na. :)
