I had wanted to make a post about yesterday but Alain's net stick was mucking up, so here I am with yesterday's news -- well, today. Yesterday, my kuya had mentioned that he had wanted to run some errands in town like paying Metrobank for his NSO birth cert (which should arrive soon or else I'm going to have to be the one to follow it up.), book a ticket to Davao, and renew his license. Bon had taken her car out early in the morning so it looked like it was a commute for us. I didn't mind, I'm used to it. (I'm rather fond of walking.) Kuya was a bit apprehensive of it, I suppose. It had rained unexpectedly so our trip was slightly delayed but as soon as the skies had cleared, we were off. The commute had turned out to be a full-on walk-a-thon to town. (Good thing I wore flip-flops!)
We got to Metrobank just in time for another huge downpour. After that one, we stayed a while at Starbucks where kuya treated me to my fave. It was odd for me to realize that I really had nothing to say to him. He was doing all the talking. When he had run out of things to say, he started to play with his phone. I have had more conversation with Mattie than my brother. I realize that each time kuya wanted to talk, it was just that: him talking and me listening.
Anyway, the rain had stopped a bit and crossed the street to BPI then headed to the 3rd floor to get his ticket booked. He'll be going back to Davao on Friday. Am I going to be taking him to the airport? No. I've been thoroughly desensitized with my family's comings and goings. After that, Bon picked us up for grocery shopping at Festival. Then dinner at a little hole in the wall Jap place by Save More.
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Today. There wasn't much that had happened today other than talking with him on the phone. A discussion about my ambition (which is apparently nonexistent), my passion (which is apparently fleeting), and my total apparent deadma to having the things I want taken from me. Taken away by what is, according to you, irrelevant. So, okay.
I had wanted to be a figure skater so I had taken up ballet and soon after a bit of gymnastics but certain events that had happened made that plan into a bust. I still loved to dance so after moving to Davao, I kept at it until I realized that it bought unwarranted attention so that was a bust. Soon after, I tried my hand at competitive swimming. I found that I was very good at it but my school at the time, forbade me from ever joining any competition that did not represent them so that was also a bust.
I took time off from everything and realized that what I did want most was to be a mom and a wife. I wanted to have my own happy family by the time I hit twenty-five. I actually thought that I was going to get it since I got engaged and was on the family way. For the first time in a very long time, I thought I was finally going to get something I wanted. Then the miscarriage happened. Months after that, the engagement/relationship ended.
So you tell me. What should I strive for at this point? After a lifetime of everything I wanted going up in flames before my eyes, how are you going to tell me that I shouldn't give up? How can you tell me that I shouldn't just accept things being taken away when it's all that I've been able to do? Who are you to tell me things when we both know there's a 'possibility' of you going away. There's a very real possibility of you being another thing that I want that's 'taken' away. What do you expect me to do? Beg you to stay? I give myself freely and never ask a thing in return. What more do you want from me...?
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I have no idea what tomorrow may bring me. Frankly, I don't think of it much. I live for today. Things may come, things may go. All I'm left with is me.